my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
