Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
