dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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