i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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