these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Randomize
