We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
