on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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