my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
