My first STD was from a foam party
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
