So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Randomize
