Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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