then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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