i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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