We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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