No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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