i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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