i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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