Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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