are you so shy because you have an std?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
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