you guys were way drunker than both of me
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
