I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
