i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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