Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
