T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
