My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
