i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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