everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
