halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
