Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
