I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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