Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
