After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
