I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
