I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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