i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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