Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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