i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
