he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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