he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
