bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
