I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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