She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
