This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
