I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
