I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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