He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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