Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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