So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
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