I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
my poor anus
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Randomize
