I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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